Jaded

I don't know if it's realism or pessimism. I suppose some might just call it negativity. In any case, I feel like I'm pretty jaded by the lack of follow-through here. I was talking with my director, Marcia, yesterday about a project that I think would be cool to do, but how I feel like it can't come to fruition based on the circumstances. She was, appropriate, offering encouragement on how to make things happen. I was rebuttling that things don't work the same here, and that it's not just an easy change.

So many times and in so many places, I've heard people here say that changes need to happen. Whether they're talking about being punctual, getting an event or activity organized or trying to bring about a more permanent change to the way things happen, I simply no longer believe there's any chance there will be a change in the near future.

I used to believe people when they would say, for example, "Practice is starting at three. We're going to start on time, no matter how many people are there or not." Or "Starting this weekend, we're going to come to the church on Saturday morning to help clean up the property. Every weekend, we need to be here so it stays clean." Or "We need to have teachers' meetings once a week to make sure we are on the same page with the scheduling and to address anything that comes up."

I've gone through an evolution in my reaction to these situations. At first, if, for example, the suggested change wouldn't work with my schedule, I would voice my opposition and ask if anyone had similar conflicts. Once I realized that my dissent wouldn't matter too much since the proposed idea would likely not be followed through on, I started to scoff at the suggestions and have conversations with people who thought likewise. Now I just play along, help in the planning process or decision-making and just accept that it will likely not go anywhere.

So, I don't really know what to do about this. It's kind of a helpless feeling, because you know things aren't going to change, even though you want them to. I guess the upside is that if there's a suggestion or suggested change that doesn't jive with me, I don't have to put a whole lot of stock in it. I recognize that I'm coming off as negative and pessimistic, but at the same time it's kind of a realistic attitude. I guess the idea of sovereignty has been drilled into my head enough that I don't feel like I should come in and try to make changes where people have been living a certain way for such a long time. If people don't want to follow through, they don't want to follow through. Maybe they just like talking through things, and that's where it ends. Of course, everything I've known would label that as a waste of time. But maybe that's just another indication of how little I know.